The Journal of Dean Winchester - Part 2
by sweetondean
Summary: If Dean were to write a journal throughout season 8, what would be his thoughts. This is my interpretation of Dean's mind and what he may have been thinking. Part 2 covers season 8 episodes 13 - 23.


**_Entry 13_**

Someone pinch me. Not only is the Men of Letters lair still standing, it's friggin' awesome. How it's working I dunno and don't care. It is and I ain't complainin'. Sam's in his happy place, surrounded by books and god knows what. I swear the kid's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw all the damn books and files and crap. I just had a shower the likes of which I've never known. The water pressure. Not some dank and moudly motel room trickle, but real power, man. And hot. Coulda stayed in there all day. Did get a bit wrinkly. Heh. Not only that, there's weapons up the ying yang and a freakin' shooting gallery. Who the hell were these guys? How the hell did we get so lucky? I keep expecting to wake up any minute. Probably screaming. God bless you Henry Winchester, wherever the hell you are.

- Golems. Necromancer Nazis. Secret Societies? How about a good ole fashioned ghost hunt, just for kicks. Jesus. Our lives keep getting weirder. Though, Aaron was kind of ok, smartass, but ok. So was the big guy, for a dude made of clay. A dude made of clay. Yep. And now we're back in the batcave, warm and toasty and Sam looks almost happy. Hell I think he nearly smiled. Somethin's gotta give. We don't get this lucky. Ever.

- My own room. I can't remember ever havin' a room. I guess I did, back when I was little. I don't remember though. It feels good. Feels good to have somewhere to put all my crap. Keep it nice. Somewhere mine. Jesus, Winchester, you're turning into a freakin' woman.

**_Entry 14_**

What is wrong with me? Can't I do anything right? All I had to do was one damn thing. Kill a hellhound. Instead Sam has to step in and save my sorry ass and now he's doin' these freakin trials, whatever that means and I don't want that to happen with every part of my being. I wanna puke. Everything I touch turns to shit. It was not supposed to go like that. I don't want Sam to go through any more crap. He's gone through enough. This one was on me and I failed. I freakin' failed him. Again. Jesus.

- I can't freakin' sleep. I keep running it through my head. How that bitch knocked me down. I keep playin' it over and over. Figuring what I coulda done different. What's it matter. I blew it. I know Sam gave me the speech about him and me getting to the light or somethin'. God love him for believing in that, optimistic son of a bitch. I just know I gotta watch out for him now. We dunno what's next, what these trials are about. I gotta make sure he gets through this because I ain't livin' with the alternative. Not again.

**_Entry 15_**

Hey, I'm about as open minded as they come, but what the hell was that with James and his familiar. Sure she was hot as a chick, but, she was a freakin' dog. Literally. I mean, the mind boggles and not in a good way. Whoa, I gotta get that picture outta my brain. That's just not right. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Witches. Skeevy.

**_Entry 16_**

Somethin's not right with Sam. He's off. Not himself. Not since the first trial. He's hiding something. Acting cagey. I can tell. After all these years I can tell when the kid's lyin' to me. Not only that, he's getting scared. Startin' to doubt himself. I ain't gonna push it and I ain't gonna listen to his, I might die doin' it, bullshit either. Both of us can't be thinkin' that way. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, reaching out to Cass. We dunno where he is, what he's doin'. But I got nothin' and no-one else to turn to. I need help now. I need help lookin' out for Sam. We're gonna be up to our elbows in this thing and we have no clue what's comin' down the pipe. Cass didn't answer. I dunno if he even heard me. I dunno if he even gives a damn. We had 2 minutes of things lookin' up, then back to wading through this life of crap. Whatever happens, one thing I know for sure. They ain't takin' Sammy.

**_Entry 17_**

I think I'm gonna freakin' lose it man. Lies and more lies pilin' up all around me. I wanna freakin' hit somethin' or someone or I dunno what. Sam's sick. The trials are breaking him in ways Cass don't even understand. Cass is gone, again. He blows in, beats the snot outta me, steals the angel tablet. He was being controlled? I knew I smelt somethin'. Don't make it hurt any less. He's gone now. He made his choice. He don't trust me. Just… No more. No more. How much are we supposed to take? How much am I supposed to take? How much is my brother supposed to take? When is it ever gonna be enough? WHEN YOU BASTARDS? I just gotta focus on one thing right now and that's Sam. That's making sure we…he, gets through this trials shit in one piece. Cass is on his own road and I can't be worryin' about him no more. Not for now anyways. At least Sam has come clean with me. Finally. At least I've got that. I've got that.

- I've been lying here tossin' and turnin' for hours. What part of me actually thought I could sleep? This thing. It's getting outta control. We got Crowley on our ass, angels on our ass. Nobody to turn to. Cass is gone. Even freakin' Meg is gone, which isn't a bad thing…though she had moments of usefulness, when she wasn't killin' everyone we love. On second thoughts, good riddance. Sam's coughing up blood. And that's just after the first trial. What's the next one gonna do to him? I should be doin' this. Me. Not Sam. I don't want him to suffer no more. Man. Stop acting like a whiney girl, Winchester. Nut up. We've faced crap like this before. We've beat down worse. We can do this. Just focus.

- Well, firin' off a few rounds in our own personal shooting gallery certainly took the edge off. That 50 year old scotch didn't hurt none either.

**_Entry 18_**

If that proved one thing to me, it proved I was right. You can't live normal and live hunter. The two don't mix. It'll get ya killed for sure. Mind you, that Victor dude was a nutjob. Hope Krissy makes it. She's a good kid. Sam's not firin' on all cylinders. No way those dudes get the jump on him under normal circumstances.

**_Entry 19_**

This waiting sucks. I'm freakin' useless. Sit here wringin' my hands waiting, while Sam does the hard yards. Pathetic.

- God damn it. God DAMN IT. I'm sorry Benny. I'm sorry man. You didn't deserve that. But thank you. Thank you. I hope it's not all for nothin'. God damn it please let him have found Sammy. I can't have him stuck in Purgatory. Both of us shouldn't have to go through that shit. Please. Anyone who's listening. Just, please.

- I lost a good friend tonight. But I got my brother back. And Bobby, Bobby's where he belongs. I hope the old man's happy up there. He deserves it. Benny's back in Purgatory. He don't deserve that. Though Sam thinks maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe. I dunno. I dunno. All I know is I cut my friend's head off. He sacrificed himself for me. For my family. Didn't hesitate. I couldn't burn his bones. If it wasn't for Benny, I dunno I'd even be here. Maybe one day he'll crawl his way back out and I can thank him proper. He's a tough son of a bitch. A good friend. A good friend.

- Nightmare. Blood everywhere. Benny's head rollin' at my feet. I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry…

**_Entry 20_**

That Charlie, she's a good gal. Smart. Lippy, but smart. She can hang around as much as she likes. But hey, I ain't lettin' go. Not of her and certainly not of Sam. Never. I've let go of too many. No more. Sam ain't in a good way and now's when I need to make sure I'm beside him every step. But I gotta trust in him. That he can do this. He can't do it without my believin' in him and he shoulda not have to. So, we'll do what we gotta do and Sam will finish the trials and we'll do this damn thing together. Like we always have.

**_Entry 21_**

Oh Sammy. I didn't know man. And I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry I never saw. I shoulda. My little brother always felt different. What was the word he used? Not clean? Did he always feel it? Poor kid. I dunno if these trials are actually purifying his blood or what or if that was the sickness talkin'. I'd love to believe that demon crud is getting stripped outta him once and for all. For him. So he could get some peace. But right now, I more worried they're freakin' killin' him. He looks like shit, he's not eating, feverish, talkin' about I don't know what. It's killin' me to see him like this. Knowing I can't do nothin' to help. 'Cept keep him fed. Try keep his strength up. Just got one more trial to get through. Just gotta keep him alive through that. We've got Kevin. We've got both halves of the tablet. We've got God's secretary for Christ's sake. Now, we just gotta cure a demon. Cake walk. Heh. Not real comfy having Cass under the same roof as us. But Sam insisted. I wanna trust him. Don't know I can ever forgive him…

**_Entry 22_**

Time for Crowley to die is long past. Son of a bitch. How many he gonna kill? We can't let this happen. We gotta think up a plan and fast. I gotta keep Sam focused on the end game. He's sick and shaky. Sarah hit him hard. Hit me hard. We can't let that red-eyed bastard win. No way that's happening on my watch. We regroup and we bring him down. It's long overdue. We got all we need to make this happen. And we got each other and Charlie was right, there's pretty much nothin' we can't do. Hey man, we stopped the Apocalypse. I should be saying this to Sam…

- Yeah. Sleep. Ha. Runnin' it through my head over and over. Gotta get this right. It's a good plan. We just gotta lie to the King of all liars. Hey, I can do that. If we can get him there. Get him locked down. It's all on Sam. I dunno what's gonna happen. But…it's our best shot.

**_Entry 23_**

This is it. Big day. The day we lock them all up once and for all. For our mom, for dad, for Ash, for Ellen and Jo…for us.

- He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok...

* * *

_Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought_

_-sweetondean_


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